Earth gets a full moon every 29.5 days. There have been six of them now since my dad died.
January 16 marks half a year without him. Without his belly laughs, his gestures, rubbing his finger under his nose to cover his smirk after a smart-aleck comment. His dippy eggs. His suffocating hugs. The way he said, “Hi, Court!”
The process of grieving is excruciating and beautiful. So many tears, often at unpredictable and embarrassing times. I used to ask others who were kind enough to sit in the pain with me, many of whom walked this road before me, When does it get better? When does it stop hurting so much?
But I’m coming to peace with the idea that the hole his passing left in me will not be filled during my lifetime. It’s just part of me now, like the fierce love I have for my children or the way I loathe politics and professional fighting. Losing him altered me. An amputation.
It’s amazing humans have the capacity to endure being undone in this way. That we can still stand up and put together intelligible sentences and parent and love after having someone ripped out of our lives.
I think the universe, and whatever majestic energies and powers are at play within it, has a hand. When I start to drown, the crystals hanging from my car’s rearview mirror catch the sun and flash rainbows across my dashboard.
Snow begins to fall.
A cardinal arrives in my backyard.
My girls say one of his infamous phrases.
The windchimes on the porch become a choir.
The full moon arrives.
Dad died on a Tuesday, and our family went into lockdown on my parents’ farm. We ate meals together and had bonfires. We created a cocoon where it was safe to marinate in our collective devastation. For a whole week, that was our sanctuary.
We were there.
He was there.
The moon was there.
The sunsets in the evenings following his death were magnificent. We took turns standing on the gentle hill beside the house, looking out over the pastures, snapping pictures of the sunbursts, with rays that seemed to reach out from some brilliant beyond.
But it was the moon that mesmerized us. When the light left, this glowing ball appeared between the jagged tree limbs and hovered over our circle of grievers. Illuminating our sacred space.
A friend of mine who lost a baby told me that her body can feel the anniversary of her son’s death before it arrives. Her chest and joints ache in the week before his birthday, as if she needed a reminder.
The moon has become a marker for my mourning. First, I feel the angst of another month passing without him. Then, growing full and fat, the moon confirms it. Another lunar phase. Another 30 days of missing him.
Certainly, I’m not protected under a waxing or waning crescent. You can’t love someone like I loved my dad and not suffer intermittently. Indefinitely. Eternally.
Dad was known for his poems and phrases. One I heard him recite often was:
The moon may kiss the stars on high,
The stars may kiss the clear blue sky,
The clear blue sky may kiss the grass,
And you, my friend, can kiss my ass.
It makes me smile to think of him up there, entertaining the angels and ancestors with his arsenal of sayings. The full moon just another excuse to get a laugh. Lighten things up a bit. The way he liked to do.
It’s happening now, the sad forewarning. I sat on the porch this morning with my coffee and watched my youngest at the bus stop. The wind chimes were going crazy in the winter wind. Sure enough, I glanced up and saw the glowing ball. This one marking half a year.
“Hi, Dad,” I said over the choir clattering above me. “I miss you.”