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JoJo Just Said, So Says Sloppy Joan, Spike Speak

Sisters say what? (vol. 7)

September 11, 2018

“Dad, you have to tell me when we turn. Turns have consequences.” – Sloppy Joan, holding a box of donuts in the car

“You know, it’s like, this is good but I can’t eat anymore because it’s disgusting and I might puke.” – Spike

“I had a dream I was invited to Donald Trump’s birthday party.” – Spike
“Oh yeah?”
“Yeah, and I was like, I would not go to that party. I would go to Broccoli Bama’s, but not Donald Trump’s.”

“I literally love my mouth, because I love talking.” – Spike

I’m doing this from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

“I bet Aunt Kel felt the love I put in those cookies cause I put in so, so much.” – Spike

“I took my shirt off so I can be a tank topper!” – Sloppy Joan

“I wish I had bright yellow hair like yours.” – Spike
“Well, you can color it when you’re older.”
“But that would be like lying about who I am.”

“I’m your baby. My name is Tiny. All the babies are named Tiny.” – Sloppy Joan

“How long has peanut butter been around?” – JoJo
“A long time.”
“Like since the 1980s?!”

“Was Jesus’ last name really ‘Christ’?” – Spike

“How can we see so much things when are eyes are so tiny?” – Spike

“I think all the stars are pieces of God.” – Spike

“I love all the family. Special my sisters. Special you. And a special Dad.” – Sloppy Joan

“It’s like I’m trying to shut off a factory of laughing!” – Spike

“Yam! I said ‘yam’ because that’s my jam and it’s yummy. And I kind of messed up.” – Spike

“Look how much it’s still snowing. I told God to get it cozy.” – Spike

“I was going to put my $10 in for the fundraiser, but then I remembered I’m saving for college.” – JoJo

“You have these two tubes above your hips and when you eat something and then it goes through your body there are leftovers that go through those tubes. And that’s what poop is.” – Spike

Sucker from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

“Sally said f-u-c-k today” – Spike
“What?!”
“Yeah. I know that’s a really bad word.”
“Very bad!”
“I know! But I did say fuck in my head. But I just mind said it.”

“I want some chap lipstick.” – Sloppy Joan

“Can I have a Christmas braid?” – Sloppy Joan
“Yeah, but it’s not Christmas.”
“Mom! All braids are just Christmas braids!”

“I’d rather sleep and get my body well. I’m too weak to clean.” – Spike

“Dad! Put your thing away and come get Mom!” – Spike, yelling at Hank in the shower after I twisted my ankle and fell in the garage

“He said it hurt on his pockets. But you know, it wasn’t really his pockets. It was his butt.” – Spike

“Maybe I need a mentor.” – JoJo
“Who did you have in mind?”
“I don’t know … What is a mentor?”

JoJo Just Said, So Says Sloppy Joan, Spike Speak

These sister sayings have been piling up in the notes app on my phone and it was time for a massive dump. In recent months, Sloppy Joan has started calling babies “hunnies” (which is super cute when we see baby bunnies) and Spike has become obsessed with all things private parts and Mother Nature. From our house, to yours … Enjoy!

He’s Indian. No, like his DNA is Indian. – JoJo

I’m gonna volcano in your tub! – Sloppy Joan
You’re gonna what?
Volcano, mama! In there!
You mean cannonball?
Yeah!

Shakin sisters from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

I jugged that whole water so hard. – Spike

You know when I was little, I thought a plank was like a diving board, but now I know it’s like a pirate thing. – Spike

It said “B-I-T-C-H, please” in that wooden ship on the playground. So, “bitch, please”. – Spike

[Doing Zumba]
“Whoa, what does sexy mean , anyway?” – JoJo
“Um …”
“Is it a kind of dancing or exercise?”
“No! Don’t go to school and tell you friends we did sexy last night.”

“I’m going to miss being 5, but I think I can get through it.” – Spike

I like the pink shorties [underwear] but not the kitty shorties, because the kitty shorties are flaking and get into my butt. – Spike

What are those things called … chicas? – Spike
They’re called boobs. – her cousin

She probably didn’t recognize you because you have glasses now. – Hank
Yeah, maybe. But I have the same face and skin. – Spike

I know what that thing is – Spike
What thing? – Hank
That thing that you and Ryan have.
Oh?
It’s called a penis.
Really?
Yes, boys have a penis and girls have a private.
Actually, do you know what a woman’s private is called?
What?
It’s called a vagina.
Ew.

I don’t like jeans. – Spike
No? Why? – Hank
You know how sometimes your butt has like a crack in it? Like there’s a bump and then a crack?
Uh. Huh.
Well, the jeans get into that crack. That’s why I don’t like jeans.

Dad, I pooped in my underwear upstairs. Why don’t you check it out. – Sloppy Joan

G’night Sugar Lips! – Sloppy Joan

Diarrhea from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

“What are those bras called?” – Spike
“What honey?” – Hank
“You know, the bras.”
“Um, there-a, well,”
“The hairs that hang in your face.”
“Oh, bangs! Bangs! You mean bangs.”

It’s a dob bobblin … I mean a sob dobblin … I mean a nob shobblin – Spike
It was a hob gobblin – Hank

You know how you get a tickle in your throat? Well, I do not like to be tickled in my mouth. – Spike

Jack, you’re going to love the lake. They make the best watermelon there. – Spike

I saw firebees! – Sloppy Joan, chasing lightning bugs

Do you pick one out or you just have one come out? – Spike asking about babies

Oh, her name is Mary Berry? I thought it was madame Blueberry – JoJo

I was drawing on the sidechalk – Sloppy Joan

Owls are nocturtle – Spike

What do you want to eat? – Me
I want something that’s like too bad for night and too good for the day. Like not too treaty but not too dinnery. – Spike

Hey! Sloppy Joan has something to say! All you hunnies get off my mom! – Sloppy Joan

Do we have bath-is tonight, or no or yes? – Sloppy Joan, every night at dinner

Oop! I’m sorry – Spike
For what? – Me
I’m sorry I … kicked you, you know … in the penis.
Honey, I don’t have a penis.

They’re building it with an instruction truck. – Spike

Mom, you know the best part about dying? You turn into angel after you dust. – Spike

Mama, is it fun to be enormous? – Sloppy Joan

Don’t you dare look back from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

I decided I like being more brown because Pocahontas was pretty brown. – Spike

When I like to learn about nature is when it’s beautiful. When it’s not pretty, I don’t really care to learn about it. – Spike

She leaned back and kissed the bologna star, I mean the Blarney stone. And then the leprechauns came and they started making messes. – Spike

Jimmy said I don’t matter and I said you don’t care about God’s creation. – Spike

I have a friend and their grandma is 100! Yeah, I think she knew Jesus. – Spike

I stronging! – Sloppy Joan, lifting weights

Damn it, I left my coat at the farm! – JoJo, makin’ mama proud

Oh. My. Gosh. from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

See: Sisters say what? (Vol. 5) and Sisters say what? (Vol. 4)

JoJo Just Said, So Says Sloppy Joan, Spike Speak

Sisters say what? (Vol. 5)

March 7, 2017

We laughed to our guts! – Spike

I love to drink my tears. – Spike

JoJo, your face looks funn- [turns and runs into wall]. – Spike

It’s like raining snow! – Spike

Is “whore” another word for “seat”? – Spike

Are we cheering for the Steelers or the Takers? – Spike

I wish you were little, and you were my sister and you looked like you, but smaller. – Spike

Did you know grass is Mother Nature’s hair? – Spike

She laughed so hard she cracked herself out! – Spike

I think my eyes were playing tricks on your mouth. – Spike

See … isn’t having kids fun? – JoJo

Uncle Map is a kiddish grownup. – Spike

I’m having a lot of “excuse mes” today – Spike

Love isn’t just a word. It’s a feeling. – Spike

I wanna wear my bathing soup! – Sloppy Joan

Mom, can I tell you a secret? I’m the class helper a lot and I have to hand out markers. And when I hand out the markers, can I tell you the secret part? I give people markers that match their shirts. If they’re wearing blue, I give them blue. But if they’re wearing white, I have to give them a black marker or some other color. – Spike

Mom, you know, some grownups are smaller than teenage kids because they have shrunken. It’s not their fault. They just get smaller sometimes. – Spike

Is that for your things? – Spike,
Yes – Me
Oh. … Like, it holds them down?
Kind of. It holds them still.
Oh. … But I don’t need one yet, right? Because my things are so small.
Right. But you will when you’re bigger.
Right, like when my things are hangy.
Uh huh.

Do all the hookers have head lamps? – Spike

Mom … Mom, I have to tell you something. No, in your ear. [I bend down] I forgot underwear – JoJo, wearing Umbros at her co-ed basketball game

If you were a seahorse, you’d come out of your dad’s tummy. It’s true. – Spike

Does my bathing suit look like a lea-tart? – Spike

A lot of animals are made out of meat. So I say care for the honeybees, care for the birds, care for the everything. Even animals that don’t make food, I’m still saying to care for even all the animals. Even the ones that attack Mother Nature. – Spike

Dad, what’s that sound? – Sloppy Joan
What sound, babe? – Hank
That car sound.
What car sound?
That boom shakka lakka.

Did you pick up upstairs? – Me
I think we can do more. – Spike
How’s it looking’ up there? – Grammy
Ahhh, i don’t know if you heard me say, there’s more we can do. – Spike

JoJo Just Said, Spike Speak

Sisters say what? (Vol. 4)

November 10, 2016

“On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me … seven girls for milking…” – Spike

“Mom, I think I’m allergic to cars. I’m always sneezing and breathing and all of that allergic things in cars.” – Spike

“If she didn’t eat dinner, her bloodline probably dropped.” – Spike

“Shut your nut hole, Spike!” – JoJo
“What did you say?” – Me
“What? That’s a nicer way of saying shut up.” – JoJo

“I’m trying to clean them with my eyelashes.” – Spike, blinking frantically with her new glasses on

“I laughed so much I was tears!” – Spike

“See how it’s a patter-in? Mama, see?” – Spike

“I’m sweats!” Spike

“I don’t think of that. Every night I think of faces on hearts before I go to bed. And sometimes it still turns into bad dreams. But that’s OK.” – Spike

This was Spike’s first week of preschool. She met a boy, and they fell in love. It happened so fast …

“Guys, c’mon get dressed. You can’t go to school naked.” – Me
“Mama, guess what.” – Spike
“What?” – Me
“My face will always be naked.” – Spike

“Let’s make this simple. We should just have dinner on Friday nights like we do with Grammy and Papa. Because we’re sisters.” – Spike

“Look! A forever-green tree!” – Spike

“How was your day?” – Me
“Horrible. Embarrassing.” – JoJo
“Oh gosh! Why so bad?” – Me
“Because my teacher couldn’t read my name and she called me up by her desk forever and it was terrible.” – JoJo
“Why couldn’t she read your name honey?” – Me
“Well, I wrote Courtney Jr.” – JoJo

“I was chasing this cat and it went into the woods and all the sudden it was a bunny. And then these boys, who litter, came up and they were like, ‘you’re a farty fart’, and I was like, ‘I’m going to do all these tricks to you,’ and so I picked up some grass and threw it at them, I picked up a bike and threw it at them, I picked up a stick and swung it at them, and then, they were like running, and then they pushed me.” – Spike
“Whoa, whoa, whoa … I need to find their parents right now and talk to them!” – Me
“I don’t think they even have parents. It’s so sad.” – Spike

“Mom, when your underwear matches your pants, that’s fancy.” – Spike

“So, Mom, what do you think about Hillary Clinton? You know, I just don’t like either one of those contestants. That Donald Trunk or Hillary … Do you? I just think I love President Obama. He’s the only president I’ve known in my life!” – JoJo, sitting with her legs crossed, getting frozen yogurt

“Why are they wearing those panties?” – Girls, watching male synchronized diving

“I wanna see that.” – Spike
“What?” – Me
“That movie. Ya know, Critics Agree.” – Spike
“I think the movie’s called Pete’s Dragon, honey.” – Me

This was an apology letter JoJo wrote to another little girl in the after-school care program after she spit on her. Which, apparently all the kids were doing. All the kids, however, did not try to pay their victim off with one drawn dollar.

JoJo Just Said

A poopy playdate

December 10, 2015

You know, I’m fine with saying, “I have a 6 year old.” I can wrap my mind around it on paper. But when I turned around the other day and she had her legs crossed and was using her hands and eyebrows to converse with me, it was not OK. It’s not the age, it’s the physical ache of seeing this little grownup in my rearview mirror. It’s like I know her better than anyone and yet there are days I feel like I’m meeting her for the first. time.

Anyway, the other day I was scrolling through things on the ole’ Facebook, and came across this story I shared with my close group of girlfriends. It’s a classic.

January 9, 2014

Who wants to start their day with a funny story? Oh, you guys do? OK!

So, JoJo has this little friend at Kay’s. He’s 5 (older man), JoJo says they’re going to get married and he is her best friend. He lives in our neighborhood and we’ve been trying to figure out a playdate. Well, yesterday, his mom came to get him around 2 and ended up just taking JoJo back to their house to play. As you can imagine, she was geeked up!

It must be said here to the people who know me best, and know that I am often a sweaty, discombobulated train wreck, that this young man’s mom always looks so put together. She’s so cute and knows nothing of me but that I am JoJo’s mom.* So, I go to get my kid at 5. After I stood in their entryway rambling on for far too long in an attempt to distract them from the fact that my children were throwing huge, whiney fits in protest of our exit, I managed to reign it in and move the circus back to our house.

While we were eating dinner, JoJo mentions that she got too excited and had an accident in their basement and “poopied in her underwears.”

Mil, “Mom, one thing did happen. While we were playing trains, I got excited and poopied.”
Me: “You did? Where, honey?”
Mil: “In my underwears.”
Me: “Aw, honey, It happens. Did his mom help you?”
Mil: “No. I didn’t tell her. I just told him.”
Me: “So where are your poopy underwear now?”
Mil: “I left them in their basement.”

So, on her first playdate, JoJo shit her pants and then left it as a little “thank-you-for-having-me” present on their bathroom floor. But the real winner here was me, the woman who had to text the pretty mom and tell her my daughter crapped herself and there was a treat waiting for her in her lower level. Happy Thursday!

*I know this lovely lady much better now and I can safely say if this were to happen today, I’d feel a tad less like a freak show calling to relay that we had a Code Brown on our hands. She still always looks cute though.

JoJo Just Said, Spike Speak

Sisters say what?

November 18, 2015

“Dad, I have a lot to say, can you come back?” – Spike getting tucked in for the night.

“Look at his cute little belly button!” – Spike discovering an unfamiliar body part on her sittermate after he went potty.

“I got my badges!” – Spike after she put two Kroger smiley face stickers on her chest in two very precise places.

“Before you say anything, I just need some privacy for a moment.” – JoJo acting like a 28 year old.

“I lilerally didn’t even know what to do.” – JoJo, who now uses “lilerally” to set up every verb.

“This shrimp is bomb.” – JoJo

“Mil, I love you with my whole heart.” – Spike rebounding from a brutal timeout for being mean.

“Mama, I thought about you today. All day. About how you love me and you sing songs and you give me kisses and you have a computer.” – Spike on the drive back from the sitter.

“Papa’s truck smells. It smells like a Grammy issue.” – Spike

Me: “Is this what you want to wear tomorrow?”
Spike: “Well it is something fancy, isn’t it?”

“I can’t see that, Mama, because I am blonde.” – Spike

“Wait! I’d look ridiculous with a beard!” – JoJo reconsidering a facial hair call.

“Mom you want me to watch on you? I can watch on you. It’s fine.” – Spike, genuinely concerned about me being in the tub alone.

“And they were all blah, blah, blah, you’re so fashion. I was all blah, blah, blah, I just don’t want you to say poopy.” – Spike talking to me while I take a bath.

“I told her I’m being complicated and don’t care right now.” – Spike

“Now THAT’S what I want to be!” – JoJo pointing to a flock of birds

“You know, I’m not impressed.” – Spike’s commentary on getting ready for bed.

JoJo Just Said

Label maker

October 23, 2015

Kids go through phases, this I know. JoJo sang Adele’s power ballad Someone Like You for weeks when she was 3, Spike ate phone chargers while they were plugged in for an alarming number of months during her second year, and Sloppy Joan has been inconsolable from 5pm-6pm every evening since she was 2 months old. But the thing about phases is they pass and a new, even weirder one, comes along. JoJo, it would seem, has moved into her Post-Impressionism period phase. Since summer, homegirl is putting labels on everything.

Some are very literal and make me feel like I woke up in a home for Early Onset Alzheimer’s. For example these handy signs indicating this is the

and this is where I should

But the obvious soon became too ordinary, so she moved on to creating signs where events would soon take place. Such as the front room where we would apparently be hosting a Kung Fu exhibition.

But my favorite has to be this one she so proudly put on the front door. Come one, come all to our creepy children’s Pajama Party. The sign is up all yearlong, folks, so if your favorite jammies aren’t back from the cleaner’s, don’t worry … we’ll be here waiting whenever you’re ready. Not sure it puts out the vibe we were hoping for.

She’s hung RSVPs on the front door with 2 crayons hanging down where people could check “Yes” with a blue, or “No” with green. The door to her bedroom is like a caveman’s epic novel; with clear instructions on when people can come in, stay out and who lives within.

Of all her habits, at least this one is helpful for guests who can’t find our trash receptacles and uplifting for passersby who are feeling lonely and need to party. I say, leave your mark on my woodwork- I mean the world, JoJo. It’s a perfectly lovely phase that every type A, young and old, can celebrate.

JoJo Just Said, Spike Speak

Diggin’ the dialogue

June 18, 2015

Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? I assembled a bouquet of beauties for your reading pleasure, and these sweet little snippets are just from the past few months. You just never know what’s coming when they open those little mouths.

“Mom, I have a horrible favor. I have to stay home sick with you.” – JoJo

“I had a dream that honeybees were on my bottom, and when I brushed my bottom they would fly around.” – Spike

“You know God, He is hummungus.” – Spike

“Mom! Mom, just turn the doorknock!” – Spike

“Yeah he do’s.” – Spike

“I’ve got food caught in my choke!” – Spike

“You are my sunshine, bologna sunshine …” – Spike