My friend Kim is so incredibly brave. Always has been. For the entirety of the 25 years we’ve been close friends, and the few years before that when she was a light flickering in my periphery, her confidence has been the brightest of her impressive attributes. She was the spark and the kindling and the gasoline to so many of the crazy situations we got into as teenagers, and we loved her for it. If they still printed encyclopedias, and people still read actual paper books, and someone flipped to the hypothetical section on tenacity, you would find a picture of my friend Kim. That’s how much chutzpah this girl has.
Throughout high school, Kim talked about becoming a professional actor. She was going to a big city, and she was going to get on stages, and she was going to lose herself in characters. And, true to form, she did. First in Chicago, then in New York and eventually in Los Angeles. A few of us actually flew out once to see two of her plays, and it was like watching a stranger soaking up their last day on Earth. The girl I knew completely disappeared into a tornado of humor and sorrow and contagious expressions. Homegirl left shreds of her soul all over that stage. Being witness to someone – anyone – doing what they truly love is such an authentic exchange.
But, I’m going down a rabbit hole …
Anyway, every six months or so, Kim would blow through our lives with an exciting update, some glamorous and some just juicy.
Hey guys! I’m playing a badass female boxer, here’s a clip. We’re crowd funding it and it’s going to be insane! [Insert trailer featuring Kim in an ice bath with a black eye looking fierce as hell.]
My boyfriend was on [an insanely popular sitcom that I won’t mention for privacy purposes, but it was one of my favorites then and now and I completely lost my mind]. Everyone was really nice, I guess.
I’m shopping a pilot!
You guys won’t believe whose house I’m cleaning. [Again, omitting the celebrity’s name to protect his privacy, but this was a gooooood one, and a highlight in a series of many entertaining texts we got during her stint making extra cash picking up random jobs through TaskRabbit in L.A.]
My new apartment has a giant tree coming through the patio and a bunk bed. I’m calling it the tree fort.
I’m selling my art!
I’m moving to Italy.
Actually, I’m moving to Portugal.
The last text came only a few months ago. In fact, she just flew out, with her entire life packed in half a dozen suitcases, plus her dog and cat, this week.
Kim was able to spend several weeks in Indiana before she officially moved, and it was a dream. I can’t tell you what a gift it is to reconnect with someone who holds space in so much of your history. And believe me, my high school girlfriends don’t just know where the bodies are buried, they have the blisters from shoveling. We did a lot of reminiscing, but we also had these rich, beautiful conversations about life and the future.
And I just couldn’t stop saying, “I think you are so brave.”
But to Kim, it was just a choice. A huge choice in the eyes of most, but in essence, for her it was a conscious shift. She wasn’t happy with her circumstances, she had nothing tethering her to L.A. or the U.S., so she chose to take a leap. And that’s part of what has always made her such a magnetic presence for me. She’s nonconformist, and highly passionate about pursuing joy, which I find to be rare and refreshing these days. There were a million things that went into her decision, but ultimately, she wanted to be somewhere where she felt awake and inspired and seen and heard. And I think she will feel all of those things in her new home, where she’s sipping a beer and unpacking as we speak.
What it means to be brave
If you’ve been here before, you know that I’m introspective to a fault. Watching someone I love maneuver through such a monumental change in her life, naturally made me question my own bravery.
Do I have the fortitude to chase down my dreams or am I too comfortable?
The snow globe where my soul had been taking a siesta was suddenly shaking violently, flurries of self-doubt dancing chaotically in my limbic system. It was unsettling and, if I’m being honest, distressing for me to admit that my friend’s milestone move triggered such a negative reaction inside me. Not toward her by any means. No, toward her I felt … what … jealousy, no … resentment, nah … whatever resides at the interaction of envy and encouraged, that’s what I felt. An awakening. It’s strange how seeing one person’s backbone exposed makes you want to sit up straighter.
The more Kimmy shared about her plans, the more my thirst for bravery grew. And the more that concept marinated, the more acute my ability to spot courageous gestures became. Of course, just like with all positive qualities, it was easier to see it in others first.
There is so much bravery among my friends, who have tried new things, fought for the family they wanted, walked away from toxic relationships, gone to therapy, shared what they learned in therapy, quit their job when they weren’t compensated or recognized fairly, taken the medication, said “yes,” admitted something was broken, started businesses, put in for the promotion, been vulnerable, said “no,” asked for what they deserve and lifted other women up.
And in my three little chicks, who have gone on stages, taken big swings, decided not to say the hurtful thing just to get a cheap laugh, fought for the open spot, gone a different way, shared their art, started conversations with strangers who interested them and dared to see people for who they actually are rather than who others say they are.
Last year, I read “Bravey” by Olympian Alexi Pappas. She wrote so many phenomenal little nuggets about what it means to be brave and to work hard for your dreams, but one thing she said is so applicable here:
“Being a hero is a choice you can make, not a cape someone else will drape over you. You make your own cape.”
I always thought that some people were just brave, while others were not. But if you really pay attention, we’re all doing brave things every day, all the time. My choices may not have the flash and boom of relocating to Southwestern Europe, but they come with a modest cape all the same. And so do yours. They feel like nothing when we treat them like nothing, and we need to stop doing that or we’ll never feel empowered. Any decision that feeds joy, brings positive change, feels scary or breaks a cycle is truly a display of bravery. And that’s something to be proud of.
Inspired by my friend Kim, I challenged myself to come up with five examples of how I’ve been brave so far this year, and I’d encourage you to do the same.
- I’ve pushed my aging body to get stronger.
- I finally booked a trip to Ireland.
- I’ve kept up with my six-month cleanings in spite of my raging dental anxiety. (If you know, you know.)
- I’ve been more honest and direct, and less passive-aggressive.
- I set boundaries in relationships that were not serving me and stuck to them.
Now you! I’ll wait …
The older I get the more certain I am that people come and go from your life when they’re supposed to, and if you’re lucky the really good ones never truly leave you. Maybe you have a Kim in your life; A bright light who emboldens you or stirs something inside of you or reminds you to pull your cape out of the closet and entertain the notion of something bigger. Because you’re great and why not?
Kimmy is still the spark and the kindling and the gasoline, but these days, her adventures are fueling my desire for my own. Standing close to her flame is helping mine burn brighter and reminding me to stop and recognize how amazing it can feel to play with fire every once in a while. To take a chance or step forward when my instinct is to step back.
I’ll leave you with one other quote from “Bravey,” and the assurance that you are killin’ it, whether you’re contemplating or confronting something massive or just making it through another day of summer vacation as a working parent:
“You might be sad or happy or chasing a dream or still trying to find one, but whatever you are, you are the truth. Right now, you are perfect.”
You are brave.
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