Sisters say what? (Vol. 8)

Earlier this week, my baby girl ran, not walked, down the sidewalk toward the school bus, gave me a quick glance over her shoulder and climbed up the monstrous steps, onto the yellow bird with all the big kids, and flew away. Just like that, all of my babies are in school. Because we live in the COVID days, it all felt very unceremoniously cold, like the final episode of a series that didn’t know it was being canceled.

When she came home later, she told me that her teacher said I could kiss her hand in the morning and she could place that hand over her heart, where my kiss would stay in case she needed it. In case she missed me. She then added, “I think you need me to kiss your hand more, mom.” And all of the things inside of me that changed when I had children quietly wilted and wept.

As I opened the Notes on my phone to write a reminder to keep kisses in my heart, I stumbled upon my list of their latest and greatest quotes. I’ve been absent in passing these gems along, so here, without further ado, is the latest edition of “Sisters Say What?” Sometimes I don’t know where these children came from.

“He wrote a bad word about sex.” – JoJo
“What’s sex?” – Spike
[laughing] “You DON’T wanna know! I don’t even know!” – JoJo

“If we owned an ice cream truck, I’d eat it every day, for breakfast, lunch and dinner!” – Me
“Yeah. And then you’d get diabetes.” – Spike

“You know what you should get to hold your phone?” – Spike?
“What?” – Me
“A panty pack.” – Spike

“He tooted and I was like … that just cracks my knuckles!” – Sloppy Joan

“This cold makes me have so many issues.” – Sloppy Joan

“He was talking about whore clowns.” – Spike
“About what?!” – Me
“Horror, Mom … Hor-ror.” – Spike

“Bye lady turds!” – Sloppy Joan

“Would you rather wear these pants?” – Me
“Nah, I need some of that sweet air on my legs.” – Sloppy Joan

“I want a snack and I want you to surprise me.” – Sloppy Joan
“K.” – Me
“And it better be goldfish!” – Sloppy Joan

“I have to sing lullabies to my legs so they’ll go to sleep!” – Sloppy Joan

“My hoobs aren’t very big.” – Sloppy Joan

“Some people don’t look like how they sound. Like remember that girl who sounded so beautiful in her voice and then in the picture she had bangs?” – Spike

“I think she has conjunctivitis.” – Doctor
[doctor leaves]
“Mom, what’s junk food-itis?” – Spike

“I want the jammies I wore yesternight.” – Sloppy Joan

“He’s not as cool as, like, Jane Pauley.” – Spike

“These eye limbs are made out of hair.” – Sloppy Joan, petting her eyelashes

“If my heart is beeping, God is talking to me.” – Sloppy Joan

“Today, Crosby and I got all mixed up with germs. I put on he’s hat and he put on my coat and now we’re doomed!” – Sloppy Joan

“Hey! I have tiny hairs in my nose. (Gasp!) So do you, Mom! (Gasp!) Oh man … We’re going to get beards!” – Sloppy Joan

“Every part of me wants to get this over with. Well, except my appendix.” – Spike, before her appendectomy

“I love you to the microwave and back.” – Sloppy Joan

“Did you get that spray for the jelly bug bites?” – Sloppy Joan

“He had red hair and he was a boy. A boy with a booger. I told him about his booger and suddenly we were argue-fighting.” – Sloppy Joan

“It’s about balance on these bitches.” – Sloppy Joan, driving over a bridge

“What are you going to name your larva?” – Me
“I already named it.” – Sloppy Joan
“Oh?” – Me
“Yes, Elizabeth Cattrea. But when she gets colorful, I’m changing it to Spike.” – Sloppy Joan

“When is my doctor’s disappointment?” – Sloppy Joan

“The point of the song is that if you don’t have any power, just sing to annoy the bad guys away.” – Sloppy Joan, listening to “Praying” by Kesha.

“Slashtag, ‘awesome’!” – Sloppy Joan

“I guess my mom just didn’t hatch any boys.” – Sloppy Joan

“She is way over momerated.” – Sloppy Joan
“Momerated?” – Me
“Yes, that means she has a big belly and she’s about to have a baby. That girl is way over momerated.” – Sloppy Joan

“I’m doing a favor for you so you’ll give me money.” – Sloppy Joan

 “I’m going to go ahead and do my night potty now, mom. I’m feelin’ super pissy.” – Sloppy Joan