UPDATE: Tune in today to see if she can … run a half marathon.
Basically, to bring you up to speed, I have none. (See what I did there?) But there have been a few exciting developments in regard to my running game.
No. 1, I found my stride soulmate. Much like you, I had my doubts. The crop of athletes out there who choose to bounce up and down rather than out and forward is slim, but somehow I unearthed a gal who treads as turtle-ish as I do. She sweats like a long-lost sister and does the dance between self-deprecating pessimism and desperate optimism with the mastery of Misty Copeland. When the piggies meet the pavement, we are a match made in heaven. Not to mention, she’s just a pretty stellar individual and fascinating creature. (She only eats smooth peanut butter on hamburger or hotdog buns, Kraft macaroni and cheese, plantain chips, and romaine lettuce with cheddar cheese and French dressing. That’s her diet. Always. Every day. She carries French dressing in her purse, you guys. I can’t make this stuff up.)
No. 2, I have confirmed the universal hypothesis that the farther you go, the harder it is. Let me repeat: It is very true that running far is brutal, self-inflicted punishment for a false sense of confidence that you embraced somewhere in your past. Sure, the goal seemed super sexy when it was you, a bunch of quotes on Pinterest and a pair of tight trousers. But now, 2 1/2 weeks in, it feels more like the definition of insanity. You keep lacing up and checking off the boxes of your training plan, because Hal said so, only to feel like you got jumped in a back alley by a bunch of no-good goons with billy clubs. And then you go back to the friggin alley three times a week! What kind of person does that? An insane one. And the whole “runner’s high” phenomenon … I can only assume I’m still stuck in the “jogger’s low” but the good stuff is coming.
No. 3, Running is a serious mind f*@k. (Excuse my language, but the symbols softened the blow, Mom.) Yesterday, I ran 5 miles. Seems like nothing when I think of the folks out there logging 100-mile mudders threw jungles and mountain tops, but still, it was the farthest I have ever run. I had my afternoon snacks all planned out, then meetings ran over. I had my clothes situated, but I lost my lightweight sunglasses. And then, the worst thing happened. Technology failed me. [gasp!] My Runkeeper app announced we were at 4.56 miles just 14 minutes into the run. Either our asses were on fire, or the tool was jacked up. The realization that we wouldn’t be getting those mile-by-mile updates from our prerecorded female companion was a devastating blow to morale. By mile 3 (we guessed), the sun was relentless and urging us to lay down on someone’s lawn for a nice long vomit and snotty sob. I had to walk for a minute. Even though it was just 12 minutes more, just 3.4 more songs from the playlist, just 1 extra loop, it was enough to psych me out. There’s no arguing with the physical demands of running, but it’s the mental part that just absolutely levels me. The popsicles after are great though.
Until next time …