I am seldom a trendsetter. In fact, on the bell curve of coolness, I would typically fall in line somewhere in the “late adapter” sector of the downward slope. But my one claim to fame … the one tally on my hipster scorecard is the side of my fridge.
My love of Instagram was a frustrating, dead end sort of romance until a coworker – one far trendier than myself – put me on to Sticky 9. I ordered my first $14.99 sheet of magnets and never looked back. I don’t have sponsors or do endorsements (I have like 25 readers), but I will joyfully stand atop a mountain and tell the tens of tens of people reading this post that this company is awesome. You always get Free Shipping and the user experience is cake. Connect your Instagram account, choose your stickies and boom! You’re golden. The best part is that people think you’re fancy. I love when people think I’m fancy.
If you do decide to explore this magnetic must, use my code, RAFCZ91 at Checkout. I’m not 100 percent sure what happens, but one of us saves some coin.
There’s a section in Amy Poehler’s Yes, Please! (superfluous praise here), where she recounts the day she was born. Her parents even make an
appearance to narrate their respective recollections in the audiobook. It’s adorable.Anyway, Amy, my new best friend, encourages people to ask their parents about the day they were born. If you think about it, it’s astounding how many people don’t know their story. My Dad didn’t know his. So, even though I’d heard parts of it before – specifically how they had a great 10th anniversary
celebration and nine months later an unplanned blessing – I asked Rog and
Marilyn to crack open the vault and share the story of the day I came into the
world.
How Mom remembers it …
“I woke up in the middle of the night and felt a little crampy. Instead of staying in bed, I went downstairs to
watch television. There was a stupid movie on called Islands in the Stream. It was about Papa Hemingway … so boring. At
around five in the morning, I heard this gurgling sound and realized that my water was about to break. I called for your Dad, as I figured I would probably have you right there. Your sister came so quickly. We went to the hospital where I had many hours of labor, during which we were trying to pick out boy names since I was sure you were a boy. I believe we settled on Phillip Douglas. After hours (yes hours with no medication) of labor they finally
decided that they needed to do something to make things happen. I was reluctant, but your Dad told them to go ahead bring in the pit drip. Really? (Sure, it wasn’t him having the labor.) It looked like a foot-long needle that they inserted in the side of my wrist but within a minute all heck broke loose. With constant contractions, I was in delivery within 45 minutes. I was not aware, but it seemed your heart rate had dropped, so they were anxious to get you delivered. Bing, bang, boom, there you were in all your glory! My beautiful Courtney.”
So, to recap:
I always thought the whole Islands in the Stream thing was why I have an affinity for Dolly and Kenny. Turns out, maybe it’s why I’m a writer.
“Your sister came so quickly” = Kirsten’s is perfect.
Phillip Douglas sounds like someone who signed the Declaration of Independence. Actually … is that someone who signed the Declaration of Independence?“a foot-long needle inserted in the side of my wrist” = thank you, Mom, for my horrendous fear of needles.
“Really? (Sure, it wasn’t him having the labor.)” = homegirl still isn’t over
it.
How Dad remembers it …
“I woke up early that morning. I found your mother in the family room watching Islands in the Stream about Hemmingway. Her
water had broken, and she felt anxious about getting to the hospital. You were the third baby, and you were the first that they didn’t have to break her water. We thought that we were in for a quick delivery. Hours went by with no progress. Finally at about 4 pm or so, the nurse suggested a Pit drip to get things in gear. They were concerned that we were coming up on 12 hours after the water had broken and the risk of infection. Of course,
being the brave one in the family, I said yes. Once they started the drip, things went very quickly. Your mother was in pain almost continuously, but she had no anesthetic. You were born at 5:15 or 5:30. You cried right away. You were pretty and pink with all of your fingers and toes. We were beaming with happiness! You and your mom only spent about a day in the hospital and went home. You were the biggest of the babies at 9 pound 2 ounces. Cute as a bug’s ear and still are!”
A few final thoughts:
Does anyone else find it disturbing that these people barely remember that my heart rate dropped – clearly a near-death experience – during delivery, or the exact time of my birth for that matter, but Islands in the frickin Stream stands out clear as crystal?“You were the third baby, and you were the first that they didn’t have to break her water.” = Why can’t you be more like your brother and sister?
“Of course, being the brave one in the family” = I get my ability to bullshit
from my father.
… The rest is actually pretty sweet. Thanks for having me, Mom and Dad! Best decision you two crazy kids ever made.
There are very few “mommy shows” I can’t put off until my weekend Hulu session. I spend my Saturdays during naptime folding laundry with Olivia Pope and Mindy Lahiri. Of course Rayna James will stop by. But, the Bachelor is different. I must know, in real time, who’s crying, who’s sucking face and who has a red, red rose in their hot little hands.
I used to feel embarrassed or apologetic about my Monday-night obsession. No more. I think it was after the 54th time I saw Jake save his ship Bucky in Neverland that I decided to check my guilt at my bedroom door as I shut it, put on my sweatpants and settled in with a bunch of sassy, sinful singles and their weekly shenanigans.There’s such pageantry and ceremonial rhythm to the show. The trotting out of the fillies on the first night, where you pick your favorites and tally annoying traits. The roses. The two-on-ones. The roses. The hometowns, with the obligatory jump-up-and-wrap-your-legs-around-him reception. The roses. The Women Tell All (a cocktail that’s one part confrontation and equal parts awkward silence). And then, the final rose. We see them drink coffee in their room, stare out the window, stroke their dress, put on earrings and then ride in the limo (sometimes helicopter). It’s all tedious, torturous foreplay, really. Then the door opens and producers reveal just the bottom of their gown. But what does it mean that she arrived first? They’ve done it before; where he proposed to the first one, you tell yourself.
Whether I pick the right pony or not, one of my favorite things is After the Final Rose. I love watching these people who just went through a terribly abnormal thing try to act completely normal – No, I didn’t mind that he bumped uglies with her two weeks before proposing to me. All this leads up to the announcement of the next bachelor or bachelorette and the onset of the ceremony starting all over. (Sidenote: I will not spend 12 weeks with Britt’s winged eyeliner. Kaitlyn forever!)
Like any relationship, we’ve had highs and lows. There were seasons we just didn’t click. Juan Puablo’s comes to mind, although it did give us Clare, which led to her being on Bachelor in Paradise, which led to my all time favorite moment from the franchise.
But generally speaking, it is my soap opera drug of choice. It’s my dirty little not-so secret. The thing I watch between TED talks. I take a shot in my mind every time someone says, “connection” and I think about, at least once per episode, how Chris Harrison has, hands down, the sweetest job of anyone, ever. I have a soft spot in my heart for the drunk girls who, let’s face it, remind us of that one time, at that one party when we drank jungle juice …At the heart of the Bachelor is the idea that the heart wants what it wants, particularly when condensed into 6 secluded weeks of heart-stopping backdrops and princess dates.My Top 10 Bachelor(ette) Moments*
1. After Andi picked Josh, a heartbroken Nick told all of America how she hit it and quit it. And a universal jaw drop was heard. 2. When Ed couldn’t “perform” in the fantasy suite with Jillian. 3. Crazy Ashley and the zombie hunt. Much love, Mesa Verde!
4. When Emily Maynard said, “I want to go West Virginia hood rat backwoods on his ass.”
5. Three words to live in Bachelor infamy: Ashley. Kelsey. Badlands.
6. Clare and Juan Pablo feeling the motion of the ocean and then the shaming that followed. Reason No. 2,092 that dude was a douche bag. (Also when she lost her shit on him at the final rose ceremony. Clare is just a gem overall.)
7. Emily and Brad’s After the Final Rose where she basically told America he was a dick.
8. Remember when Melissa jumped, in her gown, into a pool with Jason and his son, and then like 5 minutes later he told his future baby mama he wanted her instead? Good times.
9. When Brooks left Des in some sort of paradise place. She did not see that coming.
10. The Carly and Chris sex guru date. Parts of my body I didn’t know I had were cringing.Honorable mention: Every time a black bar was used to censor something or someone fell down.*This list excludes Clare Bear and the coon because I already mentioned it above. Easily smashes the top five though.
