Detox

This post is just … oh, you know … a few weeks past when I wanted to put it out there. I guess that’s the nice thing about “working” for yourself. I totally flaked on that deadline and, oop! Look at that … still employed.

On February 3, Hank and I called it good on our third Whole30. With bellies full of buttery nuts, toot-triggering vegetables and sticky, dried fruits, we recorded our wins and began our steep descent back to all the decadence we’d gone without for a month. Hank sailed through, about 6 pounds down. I said farewell to 4. We felt good. We felt in control. We felt lighter.

Then came February 4. We’ve discussed this before. Intentions. Specifically, how intentions melt in the presence of a warm homemade chocolate chip cookie. And who can blame those intentions, huh? It’s not just a cookie, it’s kryptonite; with butter and sugar and molten cocoa kisses. The negotiations started early after this round. First, I was going to be compliant during the weekdays and then let myself have treats on the weekends. Then I was going to try to be compliant but also track calories again. Then I was going to eat all of the Girl Scout cookies. And that’s where I’m at today.

Despite the epic fail following our purge, it’s never for nothing. Each time we do it, I think I learn something new about my relationship with food and how my body reacts to it. This January I confirmed my suspicions about sugar and how it pops my pimples, wrecks my dreams and hurts my guts. Knowing is half the battle and ditching dessert is the other.

During our run, I started a list. You know you’re Whole30 when …

• A dried apricot tastes like a freaking elephant ear from the county fair
• You know all the compliant Larabar flavors by heart
• Said Larabar becomes a 3 o’clock ritual not to be tampered with
• You combine almond butter, bananas and eggs 50+ ways, always expecting it to taste like a cookie. Never does
• You have to go to the ladies room … no, like right now
• Macadamia nuts become “worth the financial splurge”
• You go through 2 cartons of Costco eggs in 6 days
• You manipulate plantains into chips, cakes, tortillas and airplanes
• You feel compelled to smash that cupcake in your friend’s face
• You use “wine is just made of grapes” as a bargaining chip
• The words “reset” “detox” and “clean” find their way into most conversations
• Your abdomen feels like you put a gas hose in your mouth
• You spend enormous amount of energy analyzing whether you have tiger blood
• You’re really into Sex With Your Pants On
  You know what Sex With Your Pants On means

Bacon Wrapped Pork Tenderloin from Taste and Tell