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JoJo Just Said, Spike Speak

Sisters say what? (Vol. 4)

November 10, 2016


“On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me … seven girls for milking…” – Spike

“Mom, I think I’m allergic to cars. I’m always sneezing and breathing and all of that allergic things in cars.” – Spike

“If she didn’t eat dinner, her bloodline probably dropped.” – Spike

“Shut your nut hole, Spike!” – JoJo
“What did you say?” – Me
“What? That’s a nicer way of saying shut up.” – JoJo

“I’m trying to clean them with my eyelashes.” – Spike, blinking frantically with her new glasses on

“I laughed so much I was tears!” – Spike

“See how it’s a patter-in? Mama, see?” – Spike

“I’m sweats!” Spike

“I don’t think of that. Every night I think of faces on hearts before I go to bed. And sometimes it still turns into bad dreams. But that’s OK.” – Spike

This was Spike’s first week of preschool. She met a boy, and they fell in love. It happened so fast …

“Guys, c’mon get dressed. You can’t go to school naked.” – Me
“Mama, guess what.” – Spike
“What?” – Me
“My face will always be naked.” – Spike

“Let’s make this simple. We should just have dinner on Friday nights like we do with Grammy and Papa. Because we’re sisters.” – Spike

“Look! A forever-green tree!” – Spike

“How was your day?” – Me
“Horrible. Embarrassing.” – JoJo
“Oh gosh! Why so bad?” – Me
“Because my teacher couldn’t read my name and she called me up by her desk forever and it was terrible.” – JoJo
“Why couldn’t she read your name honey?” – Me
“Well, I wrote Courtney Jr.” – JoJo


“I was chasing this cat and it went into the woods and all the sudden it was a bunny. And then these boys, who litter, came up and they were like, ‘you’re a farty fart’, and I was like, ‘I’m going to do all these tricks to you,’ and so I picked up some grass and threw it at them, I picked up a bike and threw it at them, I picked up a stick and swung it at them, and then, they were like running, and then they pushed me.” – Spike
“Whoa, whoa, whoa … I need to find their parents right now and talk to them!” – Me
“I don’t think they even have parents. It’s so sad.” – Spike

“Mom, when your underwear matches your pants, that’s fancy.” – Spike

“So, Mom, what do you think about Hillary Clinton? You know, I just don’t like either one of those contestants. That Donald Trunk or Hillary … Do you? I just think I love President Obama. He’s the only president I’ve known in my life!” – JoJo, sitting with her legs crossed, getting frozen yogurt

“Why are they wearing those panties?” – Girls, watching male synchronized diving

“I wanna see that.” – Spike
“What?” – Me
“That movie. Ya know, Critics Agree.” – Spike
“I think the movie’s called Pete’s Dragon, honey.” – Me

This was an apology letter JoJo wrote to another little girl in the after-school care program after she spit on her. Which, apparently all the kids were doing. All the kids, however, did not try to pay their victim off with one drawn dollar.



Idle chit chat with my chunkier self

June 8, 2016

First, I must be clear when I say that I actually go to great pains to avoid being a self-loathing turd. There’s a special kind of depressing that goes with watching perfectly lovely people wallow around in sloppy puddles of their own regrets and poor decisions. We’ve all danced and delighted in the cheap thrills of excess at some point. Personally, I’ve been obnoxiously open about my struggles with sugar, food in general really, and stubborn baby weight.

I, like you my splendid reader, have a general notion of what I should eat. Or, should I say, what will nourish my body without turning me into a moody porpoise. The knowledge has never been my problem. The willpower has. I run out of give-a-damns daily, usually somewhere between the powdered sugar donuts and my ice cream nightcap.

But as much as I wrestle with my sucrose-sucking inner feen and disapprove of her dwindling discipline, I certainly don’t hate myself. Lately, since the scale hasn’t moved any direction but up in 4 months, I’ve been trying to focus on the humor of the internal conflict. For example, I giggle at the dialogue that results from the two opposing sides of my conscious. I literally picture a physical clash of my two personas; the Jillian Michaels maven and a female Augustus Gloop. If I were to give them a sitcom, the script would include lines like* …

[After eating a dark chocolate and peanut butter sundae]
I think maybe if Hank doesn’t mind, I might just settle in to being a little fat. Not like bed-ridden fat, but fluffy.

[After working out for 4 days consecutive days.]
How have I not lost 10 pounds?

[When my new pants are tight.]
This brand’s sizes always run small.

[When it’s time to wear a bathing suit.]
It’s not that hot. Maybe I’ll just wear a dress.

[When it’s the weekend.]
The hard work starts Monday!

[On Monday.]
Why the hell did I eat that shit all weekend?


[When someone brings in donuts.]
Look at me. I’m so good cutting this delicious little devil in half.

[At 3 o’clock on the day someone brings in donuts.]
I’ll just eat the other half. It’s just a half.

[When I step on the scale.]
C’mon! Seriously? Bitch.

[When I order Culver’s.]
That’s all. … And cheese curds, please! Sorry.

[When I eat my kale salad.]
This could really use more goat cheese. Goat cheese and bacon.

[Consulting my Fitbit after a run.]
Only 171 calories burned my ass!


[Holding an empty bag of peanut M&Ms.]
Oh, 220 calories. Wait … there’s more than 1 serving? There are 3 servings in this mother clucker?! And I ate them all, so … I guess I multiply by 3 … carry the … and then … well, shit. Why do they do servings any way? Like who eats 1/4 bag of candy and calls it for the day?

[Talking to Hank.]
So, if we just agree to both eat ice cream, we’ll stay on a similar weight gaining trajectory and we won’t care about each other’s chubby bits.

[After the first bite of a cookie.]
OK, Courtney, savor it for a minute and decide if it’s really worth the calories. [Blacks out for 10 seconds.} Yup, I guess it was!

[On Pinterest]
I’m only going to pin healthy recipes with dates and apricots and avocado and … Oh! Snickers Ice Cream Pie!

[Standing in my closet.]
That makes my stomach look like an elephant’s face. That’s too tight around the arm holes. That waistband leaves a red mark around my midsection. That dress is too short, but only when I’m heavy. Do I feel heavy? That pushes out my muffin top. Black pants and a black top wins again!

[Looking at group pictures.]
I’m the only one without my hand on my hip. Is that why my arm looks so flabby? Gross. It’s like a twice-baked potato up there. If I put my hand on my hip would it look like I was trying to look thinner? Or younger?

[While running]
Go one more lap. One more lap and you can put creamer in your coffee. Gah! Am I dragging a dead body behind me or what? Please make the next song a good one. No, Nickelback. You’re not welcome here. One more lap and you can eat a a mini candy bar at 3.

*These are actual words that I have actually heard in my actual brain.


Inspired in an Insta

May 11, 2016

I’m a total sap for a good quote, and aside from Pinterest and those sweet little boutiques that sell bacon gum and hilarious greeting cards, Instagram is the best place to spot the really good ones. Here are 17 of my favorites from the past few months. Pin ’em, make them your wallpaper, or just take a moment to consider them.



















Spike Speak

I’m sorry, Spike, what did you say?

March 30, 2016

“Dad my shorties underwear is like yours, except mine has sweet little cuties on it and yours is just gray.”

“Dad, do you know why he’s called Jesus Cross? It’s because he died on a cross. Jesus died for our bad. Lots of people died on crosses. Like California. California had lots of people on crosses. They died for our bad in California.”


“Meetings are when two people talk to each other in peace.”

“This is not fun! [blech] I am not laughing!” [shouted while vomiting]

“My tummy hurts like a tornado went through it for 100 thousand days. I frowed up an olive even.”

“Do you care if I play my music? I care about whatever you do.”

“I made balance!” 

“Footie pajamas fill your feet with happiness.”

156H (2)

“Dad, I know you like to snuggle, but … just … no, thank you.” 

“I felt a bump in my tummy so … I just frewed up.” 

“Is that the disky d with the movie on it?” 

Uncle Map: “Spike, how was your day?”
Spike: “Not good. It was amiliating.”

“Sometimes grownups smell like a stunk when it raises its tail.”

 “Mama, you know, that skirt is beautiful. Can you try not to spill anything on it?”


Screen shot through my heart

October 21, 2015

I love Instagram. I do. I love it. I’m 78 percent sure I am developing carpal tunnel in my right thumb and pointer finger (I wish I was exaggerating) from repetitive motions linked to technology, namely scrolling through social media, the most common of which being Instagram.

Often I come to a quote or image that moves me, usually from the likes of Deepak or the equally insightful Heidi Powell. Desperate to capture the impact of their wise words, I quickly screen shot the post only to come across it 5 months later as I do a massive image capture dump onto my laptop.

But these are too good to dump. I must share them somewhere and, for lack of a better place, that somewhere is here. I hope they move you to share or pin or maybe just pause for a moment. I also hope you don’t mind I’m going straight up screen shot style here; no Photoshop, no PicMonkey. Some nights I’m just all outta fancy.





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JoJo Just Said, Spike Speak

Diggin’ the dialogue

June 18, 2015

Kids say the darndest things, don’t they? I assembled a bouquet of beauties for your reading pleasure, and these sweet little snippets are just from the past few months. You just never know what’s coming when they open those little mouths.

“Mom, I have a horrible favor. I have to stay home sick with you.” – JoJo

“I had a dream that honeybees were on my bottom, and when I brushed my bottom they would fly around.” – Spike

“You know God, He is hummungus.” – Spike

“Mom! Mom, just turn the doorknock!” – Spike

“Yeah he do’s.” – Spike

“I’ve got food caught in my choke!” – Spike

“You are my sunshine, bologna sunshine …”  – Spike

Spike quote

“Hi, Mr. Thompson! My Dad stinks … like a rat.” – Spike

“Mom, you know, that bunny had lots of honeys. And she would bring all her honeys to their home and, you know, that’s in a hole.” – Spike

“It bores!” – Spike

“Mama, are you running on the treadmelt?” – JoJo

“Dag nab it!” – JoJo

Spike quote 2

“I’m catching the wind in my mouth because it’s hot in there.” – Spike

“I don’t want to get my hiccups on you.”  – Spike

“I’m sorry you can’t ride on my back. It’s messed up. Those sneaky kids.”  – Spike

“My hair is ecstatic!” – JoJo