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So Says Sloppy Joan

JoJo Just Said, So Says Sloppy Joan, Spike Speak

Sisters say what? (Vol. 6)

November 15, 2017

These sister sayings have been piling up in the notes app on my phone and it was time for a massive dump. In recent months, Sloppy Joan has started calling babies “hunnies” (which is super cute when we see baby bunnies) and Spike has become obsessed with all things private parts and Mother Nature. From our house, to yours … Enjoy!

He’s Indian. No, like his DNA is Indian. – JoJo

I’m gonna volcano in your tub! – Sloppy Joan
You’re gonna what?
Volcano, mama! In there!
You mean cannonball?
Yeah!

Shakin sisters from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

I jugged that whole water so hard. – Spike

You know when I was little, I thought a plank was like a diving board, but now I know it’s like a pirate thing. – Spike

It said “B-I-T-C-H, please” in that wooden ship on the playground. So, “bitch, please”. – Spike

[Doing Zumba]
“Whoa, what does sexy mean , anyway?” – JoJo
“Um …”
“Is it a kind of dancing or exercise?”
“No! Don’t go to school and tell you friends we did sexy last night.”

“I’m going to miss being 5, but I think I can get through it.” – Spike

I like the pink shorties [underwear] but not the kitty shorties, because the kitty shorties are flaking and get into my butt. – Spike

What are those things called … chicas? – Spike
They’re called boobs. – her cousin

She probably didn’t recognize you because you have glasses now. – Hank
Yeah, maybe. But I have the same face and skin. – Spike

I know what that thing is – Spike
What thing? – Hank
That thing that you and Ryan have.
Oh?
It’s called a penis.
Really?
Yes, boys have a penis and girls have a private.
Actually, do you know what a woman’s private is called?
What?
It’s called a vagina.
Ew.

I don’t like jeans. – Spike
No? Why? – Hank
You know how sometimes your butt has like a crack in it? Like there’s a bump and then a crack?
Uh. Huh.
Well, the jeans get into that crack. That’s why I don’t like jeans.

Dad, I pooped in my underwear upstairs. Why don’t you check it out. – Sloppy Joan

G’night Sugar Lips! – Sloppy Joan

Diarrhea from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

“What are those bras called?” – Spike
“What honey?” – Hank
“You know, the bras.”
“Um, there-a, well,”
“The hairs that hang in your face.”
“Oh, bangs! Bangs! You mean bangs.”

It’s a dob bobblin … I mean a sob dobblin … I mean a nob shobblin – Spike
It was a hob gobblin – Hank

You know how you get a tickle in your throat? Well, I do not like to be tickled in my mouth. – Spike

Jack, you’re going to love the lake. They make the best watermelon there. – Spike

I saw firebees! – Sloppy Joan, chasing lightning bugs

Do you pick one out or you just have one come out? – Spike asking about babies

Oh, her name is Mary Berry? I thought it was madame Blueberry – JoJo

I was drawing on the sidechalk – Sloppy Joan

Owls are nocturtle – Spike

What do you want to eat? – Me
I want something that’s like too bad for night and too good for the day. Like not too treaty but not too dinnery. – Spike

Hey! Sloppy Joan has something to say! All you hunnies get off my mom! – Sloppy Joan

Do we have bath-is tonight, or no or yes? – Sloppy Joan, every night at dinner

Oop! I’m sorry – Spike
For what? – Me
I’m sorry I … kicked you, you know … in the penis.
Honey, I don’t have a penis.

They’re building it with an instruction truck. – Spike

Mom, you know the best part about dying? You turn into angel after you dust. – Spike

Mama, is it fun to be enormous? – Sloppy Joan

Don’t you dare look back from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

I decided I like being more brown because Pocahontas was pretty brown. – Spike

When I like to learn about nature is when it’s beautiful. When it’s not pretty, I don’t really care to learn about it. – Spike

She leaned back and kissed the bologna star, I mean the Blarney stone. And then the leprechauns came and they started making messes. – Spike

Jimmy said I don’t matter and I said you don’t care about God’s creation. – Spike

I have a friend and their grandma is 100! Yeah, I think she knew Jesus. – Spike

I stronging! – Sloppy Joan, lifting weights

Damn it, I left my coat at the farm! – JoJo, makin’ mama proud

Oh. My. Gosh. from Courtney Leach on Vimeo.

See: Sisters say what? (Vol. 5) and Sisters say what? (Vol. 4)

JoJo Just Said, So Says Sloppy Joan, Spike Speak

Sisters say what? (Vol. 5)

March 7, 2017

We laughed to our guts! – Spike

I love to drink my tears. – Spike

JoJo, your face looks funn- [turns and runs into wall]. – Spike

It’s like raining snow! – Spike

Is “whore” another word for “seat”? – Spike

Are we cheering for the Steelers or the Takers? – Spike

I wish you were little, and you were my sister and you looked like you, but smaller. – Spike

Did you know grass is Mother Nature’s hair? – Spike

She laughed so hard she cracked herself out! – Spike

I think my eyes were playing tricks on your mouth. – Spike

See … isn’t having kids fun? – JoJo

Uncle Map is a kiddish grownup. – Spike

I’m having a lot of “excuse mes” today – Spike

Love isn’t just a word. It’s a feeling. – Spike

I wanna wear my bathing soup! – Sloppy Joan

Mom, can I tell you a secret? I’m the class helper a lot and I have to hand out markers. And when I hand out the markers, can I tell you the secret part? I give people markers that match their shirts. If they’re wearing blue, I give them blue. But if they’re wearing white, I have to give them a black marker or some other color. – Spike

Mom, you know, some grownups are smaller than teenage kids because they have shrunken. It’s not their fault. They just get smaller sometimes. – Spike

Is that for your things? – Spike,
Yes – Me
Oh. … Like, it holds them down?
Kind of. It holds them still.
Oh. … But I don’t need one yet, right? Because my things are so small.
Right. But you will when you’re bigger.
Right, like when my things are hangy.
Uh huh.

Do all the hookers have head lamps? – Spike

Mom … Mom, I have to tell you something. No, in your ear. [I bend down] I forgot underwear – JoJo, wearing Umbros at her co-ed basketball game

If you were a seahorse, you’d come out of your dad’s tummy. It’s true. – Spike

Does my bathing suit look like a lea-tart? – Spike

A lot of animals are made out of meat. So I say care for the honeybees, care for the birds, care for the everything. Even animals that don’t make food, I’m still saying to care for even all the animals. Even the ones that attack Mother Nature. – Spike

Dad, what’s that sound? – Sloppy Joan
What sound, babe? – Hank
That car sound.
What car sound?
That boom shakka lakka.

Did you pick up upstairs? – Me
I think we can do more. – Spike
How’s it looking’ up there? – Grammy
Ahhh, i don’t know if you heard me say, there’s more we can do. – Spike

So Says Sloppy Joan

Sentimental for Sloppy Joan

November 5, 2015
I was sitting at work when the phone rang.
“OK, I need you to talk me down off the ledge,” my friend said. “Is it crazy that I’m  heartbroken about getting rid of my baby swing?”
“No, absolutely not,” I quickly answered.
“I just stood there and – I’m gonna cry again right now – I played the bird sounds on it, you know, and I sobbed.”
“Totally normal.” I assured her.

“OK, I’ll let you get back to work. I’m just … emotional I guess.”

Just a month ago, I literally sprinted out to the garage, not allowing enough time for thoughts to permeate, put the bent and battered oscillating chair down by the trash bin, wiped my nose and told Hank I didn’t want to talk about it … like ever. There’s no telling when it will strike and what seemingly meaningless object will trigger the catastrophic hormonal mommy meltdown, but we’ve all sat and played the birds at some point.

In the spirit of forbidding our children to grow up, I want to freeze a few memories in place here. On Monday, my baby was 17 months old. She’s popping new teeth two at a time and repeating words and being just generally awesome. Here, for no other reason other than to fill my digital baby book and personal posterity, is an incomplete list of reasons I can’t get enough of this freaking kid.
15 Reasons to Love Sloppy Joan 

1. She had 4 teeth, like, forever.

Screen Shot 2015-11-04 at 9.13.00 PM

2. Sometimes we play this fun little game where she pulls on my ponytail and as soon as I say, “No!” she plops her head down like she wasn’t there and has no clue what I’m referring to.  Then does it again. It really hurts, I’m not going to lie, but the fact that she plays it off makes her too cool for me to care. I can’t even be mad.

3. She picks up every bite of food with her thumb and forefinger, as if each morsel deserves her very judicious and meticulous scrutiny before being shoved into her mouth for consumption. (Even when she’s dozing off.)

4. She’s a body slammer, this kid. One of her favorite things is to start from across the room and run, arms outstretched, until she plows into you. This also ties up with the fact that she always thinks you’re chasing her. If you’re coming up within 5 feet from her back, you just opted in to her assumed game of chase. Prepare for her to trot and giggle away while peeking over her shoulder in your direction. Trust me, you’ll love it.

5. After a seemingly endless phase where everything was, “this,” she’s transformed into a petite little parrot, repeating the words that filter through her tiny ears and register enough to come tentatively from her budding voice. If we were awarding points for articulation, she’d earn the highest marks for, “Mama!” which she now shouts from her crib upon waking on Saturday mornings in a demanding, almost disgruntled tone that I just adore for some reason. (What does that say about me?)

6. Her whale spout is everything.
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7. She tootles around with her hands tucked behind her back. You know, like your teacher did while you were taking a test in grade school. It’s so cute, you guys, I just can’t describe it in a way that will do it justice. I also can’t seem to unholster my cell fast enough to capture it, so you’re gonna have to trust me on this one.

8. When I pull her out of the tub, I can’t get a towel around her before she dives into my lap to snuggle up, soaking wet. It always makes me feel like I peed my pants in the most endearing fashion possible.

9. She sits in her little hiking backpack so nicely and urges me to, “Go, go, go … Go, go, go …”
IMG_0532
10. She loves it when I gently tickle her skin, especially on her face. Homegirl drops from a dead sprint to a puddle when I graze her cheek. Mouth open. Drool. It’s beautiful.
11. She sniffs out GoGo Squeezes like a bloodhound. If the pantry door is cracked, she’s pulling out a tasty pouch and it makes her hangry mama so proud.
12. She learned to dance. Moves include: fast feet, spins and falls.

13. I’ve never seen anyone as flexible as this baby. It’s a Cirque du Soleil every day up in this house, and it equally impresses and terrifies me.

14. The tickle she gets from taking one arm out of her shirt.
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15. Her belly laughs. If a sound could be a cure for the hurt in the world, it would be this one.

Thank you for humoring me. Now let’s all go smell an old burp cloth soaked in Johnson’s baby wash and cry, k?

So Says Sloppy Joan

Face time

August 19, 2015

But seriously, you guys, these facial expressions are so dang tricky.

But when I finally nail ’em, I’m all …

So Says Sloppy Joan

Baby steps

July 29, 2015

This milestone is the big one for babies. You urge them. You coach them. You hold their hands for what adds up to hours, and then, on a particularly uneventful Saturday morning they just let go …

They take their first official steps toward being a toddler, and take with them a million precious little pastimes and a piece of their mama’s heart. Snuggles will be reserved for sick days now. They’ll only ask to be carried when their little legs tire from exploring. I see her taking off. I see her growing up way too fast.

But the part that plucked my heart strings the hardest was her sisters, looking on fondly and cheering for their hairy, happy little sibling. They were so genuinely thrilled as she shuffled across the tile. Her eyes lit up. Their eyes lit up. We all cheered. It was a Hallmark moment in an otherwise chaotic kitchen.

So, here, in her virtual baby book, I’ll record Saturday, July 25 as the day Sloppy Joan took her first steps. The first in what I’m sure will be a lifetime of sometimes tentative, sometimes fearless, always celebrated steps in the direction of her dreams.

So Says Sloppy Joan

The art of playing it off

July 4, 2015

Turn up your volume, and check out this video.

 

 

Now watch it inserting the following voice-over. (Yes, I realize this would be on another level if I had some sweet video editing skills, but it’s good for you to use your imagination. Keeps ya young.) Here we go:

[After standing up on her own for the first time.]
I did it!
[toot]
Gasp! I just tooted. Ugh! Man, I’m always doing that! OK … play it off nobody saw. Do, do do … Uh oh … I think they’re looking at me. Quick, turn around like someone fired the shot from behind.  

 

So Says Sloppy Joan

A lesson in chewing

May 29, 2015

When Sloppy Joan’s first tooth came through and we started putting diced delicacies on her high chair tray, the toddler tradition of placing food in her mouth, where it was tongued and eventually sent out in a tiny tidal wave of drool, began. So, I started showing her how to chew. Demonstrating. But now I’m getting the sense that she’s mocking me. Sure, I probably exaggerated the motions. I mean, I wanted her to be able to see.

At first I thought it was cute. Like a sweet little old man who’d misplaced his dentures.

But I’m starting to get the impression she’s making fun of me. This must be what I look like to her when I do it. Like a largemouth bass with peanut butter in its teeth.

The case mounts.